the un-ness of me

After tests, yay… strangely relaxed this time round. Have I finally learnt how to deal with stress? Or maybe because it’s just a minor examination.

Hmm… I have been feeling quite melancholic lately.

“Rules are meant to be kept. They are for our own good, to keep us from getting into trouble.”

I know, I know. My brain clearly tells me to do one thing but my heart pulls me in the other direction. I’m hanging on to common sense for my dear life. Spare myself regrets and pain in future.

I’m not a goody-goody girl who doesn’t dare to enjoy herself. It takes more courage to say no.

5000 words, no less - read my mind

“The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever.

The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous.

They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold;

they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.

By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.”

Psalm 19 : 9 - 11

Hey there,

I was thinking about us today. In retrospect, I really learned a lot from what we went through - together, individually? Thank you. Our human lives span such a short existence that every encounter is meaningful.

Hi there,

Thank you for caring. You make my life more interesting… yes, definitely more interesting. Haha… thank you for making me laugh when I’m down. I’ll remember you for always. But you’re not him, and you have made me yearn for him even more.

Brother,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love you. Perhaps I may have gained more than you? Even if I never see you again, I’ll keep praying for you. You taught me to give, and keep giving - unconsciously? Just because of your smile and thanks. Tears too…

Dearest,

I’m still waiting. Hope to see you soon!

Ya… it’s been some time since I had the mood or the time to write a coherent post.

Form Six is coming to an end. Looking back, this experience has definitely taught me a lot. I am still struggling - trying to cope with the demands of school, people, church etc. But somehow or another, I have risen above my struggles. The situation has not changed, but maybe I have?

I really cherish each day I have left in school. Everyday brings a new experience - some positive, some negative. Unfortunately, more often than not I fail to give thanks when I am put in difficult circumstances. Or I am just grouchy (yes, as A. Sze puts it).

In fact, if my daily life were to be truly scrutinized you would find a million or so discrepancies. I cannot measure up to the standards of holy and pure living. Up ’til now, I am not sure if I have influenced my friends more, or if I have been influenced by them. I don’t have the ability to preach the Gospel that effectively or the lifestyle that is on par with it.

Haih…

But there is only one thing I am sure of, that is to love the people around me. Actually, this is 2nd most important commandment in the Bible which stems from the the 1st, that is to love God. Even so, I find that I am prejudiced at times, loving certain people more then the rest? Human love at best is still incomplete.

Still,

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13

Lovely cool weather these days… even if it is a little wet.

I’ve been in a “surreal” state of mind for the past week or so. Haih… STPM coming, but I’ve not started studying? The frozen in time feeling is setting in again. All of a sudden when the ice breaks, all the accumulated time will rush upon me and I’ll start my frenzy of revision. I hope… (i is lacking her usual boost of motivation to study)

The days are simply flying by and I’m struggling to reconcile myself to the fact that I will be leaving and my friends will be leaving… S O O N.

Enjoy my home. Enjoy my bed. While it lasts.

*Cry

Simple Love by Jay Chou.

I love it.

I don’t care what you think.

Plus, guys, it’s not weak to use an umbrella!! Better than getting caught in the rain. Hor, JW? See, even Jay uses umbrella so it must be ok..

I HATE, LOATHE, DETEST hormones.

God save us all.

Blessed males… don’t know how fortunate they are.

Mersing trip pictures…

Greedy Song Ang >.<

Ms. Neo!!

Leng luis… no?

Leng chais…

Pengakap in action

“Pengaruh rakan sebaya”

Hehe… fishy fishies

Kelong Acheh

Footprints…

Beach ball, anyone?

Princess of the Nile… I wish ^_^

Together we stand…

Kawan baaaiikk…

Group pic

Air Papan

Beginning or the end of a day?

—————

Talking about remembering the past…

It’s funny how people remember the littlest things that are of significance to them, while losing track of day to day events. The things that are stored in our long term memory are random indeed ~ Your kindergarten teacher, the colour of your favourite T-shirt, the time you fell down the stairs…

I remember two of my primary school teachers who left the deepest impression on me. One was Pn. Devi, our discipline teacher, who used to instill fear and terror in the hearts of everyone. She would cram two classes into one classroom so that she would not need to repeat the lesson. Haha… and she would call us up to do Math sums on the blackboard. Woe betide the student who failed to answer correctly. She often got complains from parents who were worried that their kids might be overloaded by too many exercises, but she always said “This is for your own good. You will thank me for this in future.” Heh… you know, she was right. In spite of the stuffy learning conditions, she taught me how to apply systematic problem solving, a technique that has aided me all the way through secondary school. So, THANK YOU, Pn Devi!!

The other teacher who influenced me the most was Pn. Rowena. She was the first person who trained me in public speaking and sent me for competitions. I think I would not be able to give a speech like I do now without her early guidance. Of course, later on in secondary school I met Pn. Rose who introduced debating to me. But Pn. Rowena laid the foundation on pronunciation, intonation, voice projection - Heh… I didn’t even realize how much I had learned until much later.

Oh, and the other thing I remember is the comic strip my classmate, Yi Lian and I used to produce. If I’m not wrong, she would draw the cartoons while I would write the dialogs. But to be fair, I think she did most of the work. All the same I recall feeling immensely proud of our creation. The comic was a spoof of the “Journey To The West” and Sun Wukong was a hamburger. Hey, we even made it into a series, ok!! (Yi Lian if you are reading this, do you still have a copy of it? I can’t remember if I was a contributor or an ardent admirer of your work.)

All the same, wouldn’t it be nice if we would only remember nice stuff like these…

*By the way, ask the next Malaysian adult you see if they remember how to sing our national anthem or recite the five principles of the Rukun Negara. Hehe… have them do it if possible. You might get some very interesting variations >.<

I don’t know why I keep setting myself up for disappointment.

I don’t know why I “self find bitterness to suffer”

Forget about it.

Forget about them.

Misery.

I won’t let you hurt me anymore.

Haih…

The activities in school are starting to pick up momentum. The “busy” feeling is already setting in. >.<

My conscience has been pricking me quite frequently these days (Is that good or bad?) I find myself repeating certain mistakes which I should know better than to commit. I’m still me… a little confused.

How can I develop “gentleness” ?

My close friend is also down in the pits. Things are mes-sy.

Bleh

Tired

Brain dead

*Breathes in deeply

No, I haven’t met “The One” yet or even seen anyone who remotely resembles him… But never mind about that >.<

I’ve been learning some things about love:

- True love is allowing the other person to be happy with what he/she wants, not what you want for them.

- Love is not/should not be possessive. You don’t need to “exclusively have” a person to enjoy and cherish his/her presence in your life.

- Love accepts people just as they are, with full knowledge of all their terrible, unforgivable faults.

- Love places no expectations/requirements on others. Love should give, without hoping for return.

I think, then only can the one who “loves” be truly satisfied.

—

Ok, we learned in CG recently that confession is good for the soul so I think it’s time I take mine out for some spring-cleaning.

I’ve been rather troubled recently, caught between my mental convictions and the outward reality I face everyday. Hmm… I’ll let slip a little about my background here. I’ve always felt burdened by the expectations of others on myself. Everyone I know, who knows me expects me to “do well” and make something out of myself. I hear it everyday from various sources : My parents, teachers, friends, advisers, younger people, older people. Sometimes it feels like they are asking too much of me. I live under the pressure and fear of failing to perform. Even God seems to require something out of me :

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” Luke 12:48

I know that I’m not perfect because I’ve tried to achieve it before and I failed miserably. Do you know what drives people like me to excellence? Sure we all say we want to do well to glorify God’s name, but I’ve struggled a long, long, looooooooooooooooooooong time with the desperate need for acceptance and affirmation. Even if I am aware of the futility of my thinking, I’m bound by my circumstances, my brains, and my purpose.

Unfortunately, because I’m crippled by this sort of mentality, I place the same kind expectations on everyone else around me. The rationale is like this, “Since people expect me to be the best, I have every right to expect them to give me their best”. If you’ve lived long enough, you will see the impending doom and disappointment I was setting myself up for. Haha… in this way I effectively spread my stress to the people around me. Anyway, somewhere along the line I figured some things out and learned not to be so stressed and not to stress others >.<

Getting back to the topic on love - When I entered Form 6, I had a new resolve to change the way I work and relate to others. One of the most fulfilling things I experienced was initiating, maintaining and finally establishing a substantial, meaningful relationship with some of the new friends I met. Ok, to be honest the majority of friends I mix with are non-Christians, so I had zero expectation of any form reciprocal from them. My intentions were and still are to simply love them as Christ loved me. Surprisingly, (or not so) I discovered that a relationship develops much better under such “0-expectation” conditions.

BUT, somehow or another my reformed views excluded my Christian brothers and sisters. I still don’t really know why. Perhaps because I grew up with so many of them? It was easier to start afresh with a batch of new friends than with the people I knew from my past. Christians should live by higher standards, no? When I saw some of the mistakes they made, I could not accept it nor reconcile it with what we claim to believe in. Add in some negative comments, opposing views and a lack of fellowship and you will get a very hurt, confused and angry Jeanette.

Today in YF, I received a message that spoke to my heart. Do you know this verse?

“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35

Hmm… So I need to seriously ask myself what I am doing to show love to the people who are walking this same path with me, because they are with me and I am not alone. Ok, from now onwards I will leave room for human fallibility with regard to myself, Christians and non-Christians.

I think at the end of the day, Christians are not “holier” creatures than the rest. The only difference is that we acknowledge that we are sinners and have received the forgiveness and grace of God.

I have a strange feeling that I have unknowingly fought a long, hard battle against an unknown opposition (myself or otherwise?) and have emerged with a very foreign sense of victory.